Len Robbins: Tips for effective hide-and-seek

Published 1:21 pm Tuesday, June 20, 2017

In most households, quiet solitude is a good thing.

In our home, it is ungood. Scary. It means something is amiss, a prelude to danger.

Exhibit 1-A: The other night, I’m minding my own business, piddling about the house, whistling the theme from “Simon & Simon,” when an eerie, peaceful calm immersed our abode.

I made the mistake of enjoying it, and not immediately recognizing that silence is not the domain of three children with spend-the-night company on a weekend evening.

The last time I failed to diagnose this lull in cacophony, I found our sons painting the cat.

So, my piddling led me to the linen closet. This is actually a “half-closet,” with the door starting about waist level. As I opened this door, I was startled by a 68-pound sack of boy falling into my arms. He had wedged himself inside the linen closet, about five feet above ground level. The opening of the door sent him careening into my unwanting arms.

In that .14 seconds, I aged 14 years.

“What are you doing in the linen closet?” I asked (no, screamed at) our youngest son.

“Playing hide-and-seek,” he answered. “They would have never found me there.”

As frazzled as I was about the surprise, I was quite pleased that my sixth-grade son was still young enough to be playing hide-and-seek.

Still, this warranted a reinforcement of our house hide-and-seek rules — established long ago by a father much younger and thinner.

Feel free to cut these out and paste them on your fridge for your children, or your adult hide-and-seek league.

Hide-and-Seek Tip 1 (as evidenced by this episode): Do not hide in an area that you spill out of if the door opens.

Whoever finds you may have a heart condition.

2: Do not hide in a clothes washer or dryer.

While tempting, it is not fun if someone turns the machines on. Ask our cat.

3: Do not hide in a refrigerator.

Refrigerators, other than ours, get cold. You also may not be able to breathe.

4: Do not hide in other people’s houses.

Other people may not appreciate the surprise of finding you in their cupboard, particularly the old man down the street that keeps threatening to shoot our dog.

5: Do not hide in an animal’s cage.

Two main reasons why this is a bad idea: A. Animals (particularly, jungle cats) may bite you if you enter their territory without an invitation; and B. Once you get in an animal’s cage you are ineffective at hide-and-seek the rest of the day because all the seekers will have to do is follow the smell to find you.

6: Do not hide in a place where there are cables or wires.

It could mess up the TV reception.

7: Do not play hide-and-seek on Saturdays during football season.

On those dates, you may only play “hide.”

8: Do not hide in a toilet.

It’s just common sense. If my shoe can’t fit in there, neither can a little boy or girl.

9: Do not hide in an oven.

Yes, even the microwave.

10: Do not hide in the attic.

That is your Daddy’s hiding place.

Len Robbins is the editor of the Clinch County News.