I think it’s called rhetorical advice

Published 12:58 pm Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Following a recent horrible incident where a child was killed by an alligator and another child was saved from a gorilla pit, there were numerous follow-ups in myriad venue on how to protect one’s self from predators. With all due respect to those situations, I think this is what we might call “rhetorical” advice.

However, there was an instance last week where a mother saved her child from a mountain lion, so I suppose such advice may have some value.

Through the years I’ve read all sorts of “home remedies” for dissuading large predators. And I’ve seen numerous television specials offering such advice. Ironically, I don’t see many television specials on how to keep from getting mugged and robbed. Statistically, we are much more likely to confront those types of predators. Go figure.

Now keep in mind that this next Sunday starts “Shark Week” on cable. I’m not sure how you can tell if it’s Shark Week or not because last week I think every sequel of “Jaws” was aired. Maybe that was oceanic foreplay. 

Anyways, when it comes  down to the crux of the matter, unless one is armed there really is no defense against a large predator such as a shark, alligator, crocodile, mountain lion or grizzly bear, if in fact that creature is determined to do you harm. You can’t outrun them, out swim them nor can you outstrength them. I have met a couple of politicians who might bore them to death, but ….

So we are told to punch a shark on the nose. We are told to gouge an alligator in the eyes. And we are told to make ourselves look bigger than a bear.  I’m taking a lot of steroids in conjunction with a medical treatment right now, so I’m making headway on that ‘bigger- than- the-bear’ thing.

 For mountain lions we are warned not to run and to beat them with a stick or any other blunt instrument.

I’m not saying none of this works. I’m just not sure if the few favorable results are because the creature was intimidated or just not very hungry.

Did you know that one of the most dangerous animals to humans is the hippopotamus? Some 2,000 people a year are killed by these creatures. Something that is emulated by a bathtub toy is a deadly predator. 

I don’t fear hippos. Mainly that’s because I don’t go where they are. And even if I were to visit Africa, I would steer well clear of hippos. I certainly won’t be volunteering for one of those wilderness survival programs. I can build a fire by rubbing sticks together. I can build shelter from what nature provides, and I can build fish traps from sticks and vines. But I prefer to sit in my den, have a cheeseburger and enjoy central heat and air and laugh at “Naked and Afraid.”

They say it’s best not to surprise a predator. If you are in bear country, they say one should make a lot of noise. Sing and shout. It doesn’t really matter if you can’t carry a tune or which genre of music you choose. Well, unless the bear still attacks and then there may be the basis for an assumption. 

Now in the big picture,  I know this may all seem like benign discourse. But keep in mind that every day we encroach on predators’ domain. So if you happen upon a grizzly, swell up your chest like a politician taking credit for something he didn’t do. 

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. Email: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)