Keeping Fit: How to increase your chances of a heart attack

Published 2:00 pm Sunday, February 11, 2024

In a world where heart disease is the number one cause of death, doing the things that will increase your chances of a heart attack are the exact opposite of what most of us desire to do. But by taking a backward view of heart attack risk, and adding a little humor, we may obtain insights that normally go unappreciated. So with that in mind, let’s examine eight key ways to increase your chances of a heart attack.

Ignore stress reduction and management strategies

Keep adding more and more things to your schedule that just “have to” get done. Use a credit card for purchases — max it out! Try to control and “fix” other people’s lives, especially your loved ones. Be a know it all, start arguments with your spouse, boss and others when they don’t see things like you do.

Don’t forgive others when they have hurt or offended you. Don’t praise others when they get a promotion or recognition you should have gotten. Be critical of others’ looks, dress, attitude and material belongings when you don’t agree with it. Don’t smile much. Laugh even less. Stay up worrying about your finances, children, looks and anything else you can’t control. Don’t be content and thankful for what you have. Overwork for money. Don’t sleep, you could be working instead. Keep trying to keep up with the Joneses. Take plenty of coffee and/or caffeine pills to keep you going.

Don’t exercise

Let everyone know you are too busy to exercise. When you do start, make sure to jump in and overdo it the first few days so you are so sore and tired you’ll never want to continue with it. Take the elevator always, grumble whenever you have to walk more than one flight of stairs.

Drive the parking lot looking for the closest space to park. Ride a cart when golfing, never walk. Drive to all places of business and use the drive-thru whenever you can. In general, never run when you can walk, never walk when you can stand, and never stand when you can sit. Order plenty of exercise equipment from TV ads, but use it only to hang clothes to dry. Buy exercise videos, and enjoy watching them.

Increase white sugar and white flour intake

Don’t bother to prepare healthy meals, buy take out from fast-food restaurants, and prepackaged meals from the grocery store. Make sure to have dessert every night after dinner. Keep plenty of candy in your desk drawer at work, or on your desk for when you need a snack, or just something to “wet your whistle.” Give in whenever relatives or friends encourage you to have another piece of cake, pie or other dessert. Avoid those coarse, dark breads and go with the light fluffy variety. Buy plenty of rolls and buns, and avoid trying those chewier whole grain pastas and brown rice — you might get used to them or enjoy them!

Eat more saturated fats and avoid mono and polyunsaturates

What is all this talk about olive oil and a “Mediterranean diet”? Be an American, eat beef! Haven’t the cardiologists heard that “butter is back”? Put some in your coffee. Better yet, put coconut oil in there. It will make you feel bulletproof. Saturated fats raise your bad cholesterol (LDL), you say? Go on the carnivore diet or keto and then your levels won’t matter because the particles will be larger. See? A little nutritional knowledge goes a long way in helping you to eat the good stuff.

Put off or avoid physical checkups and blood work

What do you have to go to the doctor for? You feel fine. He might be alarmed by your elevated blood pressure or blood lipids and want to put you on some medication. Besides, they probably just keep lowering what’s considered normal for blood pressure and cholesterol to put everyone on drugs.

Keep smoking

Let everyone know your grandfather lived to 91 and he smoked for 70 years. Make sure to stay close friends with others who smoke, and don’t get excited when one of them talks about quitting. Don’t read too many reports about smoking’s many dangers, it may convince you that smoking is harming your health and encourage you to quit.

Mostly avoid fruits and vegetables

Eat only the occasional piece of fruit, in place of your usual raid of the snack machine. Eat vegetables sparingly on most days, if at all. French fries are from potatoes, right?

Don’t drink much water

Water is for bathing and swimming in, not drinking. When thirsty, drink only juice or soda, or an alcoholic beverage. Bottom’s up!

So how are you doing? Are you following any of these ways to increase your chances of a heart attack? Take heed!

Thomas Morrison is a fitness coordinator at the Bradley Wellness Center.