Swift @ The Movies: ‘Drive-Away Dolls’ crashes

Published 12:00 pm Friday, March 15, 2024

Sometimes, you kinda’ wonder why a movie performs so poorly at the box office.

Well, there’s no guessing as to why “Drive-Away Dolls” failed to connect with the public. It has a premise so bizarre that I can’t imagine any moviegoing niche out there being interested in it.

Boy, how do I summarize this one without ruffling too many feathers? Let me just tell you this upfront, if this movie came out 20 years ago it would’ve been rated NC-17, no doubts about it. If you’re looking for a movie that’ll give your aunt granny Gertrude a coronary, you’ve found it.

Ultimately, what we end up with is a movie that’s one part late ‘90s period piece — although it really doesn’t capture the nostalgia and ephemera of the times at all — and one part crime caper dark comedy. You see, there are these two gals who decide to take a girls’ trip to Tallahassee, and they end up accidentally renting a car that was supposed to go to these mafia assassin guys who left something really nasty in the trunk.

There’s a lot of bumbling in this one — our heroines bumble around trying to figure out what to do once they realize they’ve unwittingly got tangled up with the mob, the hired goons sent to retrieve the “goods” are stereotypical goofballs who keep tripping over their own feet, etc. Naturally, we’ve got subplots by the truckload in this one, including one involving Matt Damon as an ultra-conservative politician who has a VERY vested interest in getting some personal artifacts back.

The movie throws a little of everything at the audience. Everything, that is, except a point.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about “Drive-Away Dolls” is who made it. It’s the handiwork of Ethan Coen, a filmmaker routinely lauded as one of the best of his generation.

All I can say is this movie is no “Fargo,” “The Big Lebowski,” “No Country For Old Men” or “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” Needless to say, he probably could’ve used a LOT of help from his brother directing this ‘un.

It’s a movie that has a few moments, but by and large I just sat there in awe that so much of the movie that should’ve been edited wasn’t. For example, we’ve got this one extended scene with a soccer team showing up out of the blue that drags on FOREVER and adds virtually nothing to the story. Even worse, every now and then we get these weird psychedelic art montages cropping up, which I guess are supposed to symbolize … uh, what, exactly? Honestly, I’m still not sure, folks.

Factor in the ho-hum, uninspired acting, sluggish pace, crude and predictable dialogue, and an ending so tacked on you can almost see the push pins poking out of the projector and you have all the makings of an ultra-disappointing, ultra-forgettable misfire from a filmmaker clearly capable of so much better.

Some people like to compare bad movies from good directors as incompletions tossed by Hall of Fame worthy quarterbacks. Well, in the case of “Drive-Away Dolls,” a more apt metaphor is a pick-six interception and the QB stumping his big toe on the way down. Heck, it’s not even an interesting bad movie — it’s just plain, regular, everyday, run of the mill bad.

And frankly, we as consumers deserve better from our sub-par cinema.

There’s a couple of arthouse movie places around metro Atlanta still screening this one, but I’d advise you to save the gas money.

At best, I reckon “Drive-Away Dolls” is worthy of a mediocre TWO PIECES OF POPCORN OUT OF FOUR rating. Kinda’ hard to believe the same fella that gave us “Blood Simple” and “Raising Arizona” gave us … well, whatever this thing is supposed to be.