Len Robbins: The incredible versatility of this newspaper

Published 3:26 pm Tuesday, July 9, 2019

As if just reading this newspaper wasn’t enough, part of the beauty of a newspaper is that it has so many varied and diverse uses.

Besides the bargains you will find inside the pages of the newspaper, the newspaper itself is a veritable smorgasbord of savings.

As all three regular readers of this column can attest, I have on occasion pointed out some of the alternative uses of a newspaper in this space. As an unlicensed consumer advocate, I again feel it is my duty to inform the populace of the cost-cutting attributes of this product. So, as a public service, I’ll offer a recap of some uses I’ve mentioned previously, as well as adding some benefits I just thought of minutes ago.

Thus, after reading this newspaper cover-to-cover, you can also use this newspaper for:

• Lining your bird cage.

• Wrapping fish.

• Cleaning glass.

Newspaper is the absolute best glass cleaner, for windows or eyeglasses. Spray a liquid on the glass itself, then wipe with newspaper. Leaves no residue for a spotless shine.

• Making paper airplanes.

• Protecting your floor or rug while painting.

• Wrapping presents.

• Drying shoes.

Instead of clunking your shoes in a dryer, just fill your shoes with newspaper to dry and deodorize.

• Starting a fire (you don’t even need a match, just rub the papers together for a really, really long time).

• Making a nifty, whimsical chapeau.

• Lining your refrigerator vegetable drawers.

Keeps them dry and free of smells.

• Feeding your worm farm.

Little-known fact: Worms love newspapers.

• A tablecloth.

• A cape.

• A blanket (perfect for the Sunday afternoon nap).

• Making papier-mâché handicrafts (whatever they are).

• Packing delicate items.

• Lining storage boxes and shelves.

Again, newspaper keeps them dry and absorbs odors.

• A car or truck mat when it’s muddy or has been raining.

• Covering books, particularly schoolbooks.

• A handkerchief.

• A great sleuthing device.

Barney Fife revolutionized this concept on an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show” by cutting two small holes in the paper so as to spy on a suspect while putting on the aura of actually reading the news. Brilliant!

Can you do all these things if you read the newspaper online, on a computer? Yes! But it will be quite cumbersome to clean your eyeglasses with a laptop, and not nearly as effective either. And I have found that feeding your smartphone to worms is not very cost-effective.

When you consider all of the applicable functions for this newspaper, in addition to actually reading its content, whatever you paid for it was a steal. You may want to pay extra, just to be fair.

Len Robbins is the editor of the Clinch County News.