A report you shouldn’t leave home without

Published 12:04 am Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Everyone has to go eventually.

And sometimes, the urge to purge yourself of bodily fluids comes in the most inconvenient of places — while you are on your way somewhere else, away from the safe and comfortable confines of your favorite bathroom.

But finding a decent restroom facility while on the road doesn’t have to be a hassle.

For the past 10 years, I have been conducting a research study on this topic, visiting restroom facilities throughout this nation, grading them on the following criteria: 1. Their sanitary conditions; B. Their supply of needed equipment; C. Availability and convenience; and 4. Other miscellaneous factors, such as interior design, what type of vending machines are on the wall, amount and quality of graffiti, and other factors.

Thus, I present the Robbins Bathroom Report, to assist those who, for far too long, have had to play a cruel guessing game when searching for a proper bathroom facility.

Below are the report’s rankings, using my own, original grading scale. The grading scale goes from A to F, with A being the best and F being the worst.

Hospitals — A+

When I was in college, a friend and I were traveling home when my navigator signaled the intense need for a bathroom. I attempted to pull into a convenience store.

“No, no,” he objected. “Take me to a hospital.”

Alarmed, I hurriedly followed the signs to the nearest hospital, thinking my friend was in need of emergency bladder surgery. I should have known better.

This friend was notoriously finicky, even in the most dire of states, and would only relieve himself in the most cleanly of places. He later told me that hospitals have crack janitorial staffs that almost always keep the bathrooms spotless and sanitary.

Sure enough, during my study, I found hospital janitorial staffs to be the most astute in their field. Their bathrooms are top-notch in terms of sanitary conditions, operable equipment and emptiness.

Airports — B+

This recommendation comes with a qualifier: the smaller the airport, the better. And this ranking could be rather distorted by the Fort Smith, Ark., airport, which has the most luxurious public restrooms in the world. On the wall outside their bathrooms, there are plaques from where they have won numerous awards. If in the area, I would suggest a visit, even if you don’t have to use them.

Again, smaller airports rank very high; larger airports, not so much.

Hotels — B-

Unlike hospitals, which get high marks across the board, the quality of a hotel public restroom is often determined by the quality of the inn itself. Cuz’s Stay-A-Night-or-Hour is not as likely to be as immaculate as a Westin. Most of the well-known chains are a good bet, though.

Fast-food restaurants — C-

A dicey lot. If the manager is behind the counter, chances are, the bathrooms are adequate. But don’t count on any privacy.

Convenience stores — D+

An even larger gamble. As a former participant in the convenience store arts, I know the person that is selling you the convenience store hot dog is often the same person scrubbing the toilets — not a licensed custodian.

In your yard — B

For men, using your yard is perfectly acceptable, and expected. For women, not as accepted, which I consider sexist.

In someone else’s yard — F

This is not recommended. For some odd reason, people don’t particularly appreciate strangers using their yard as a toilet, and often use firearms to illustrate their dissatisfaction.

The best way to utilize this report is to cut it out and tape to the windshield of your automobile for quick reference when the urge hits you.

Happy toileting!

Len Robbins is the editor of the Clinch County News.