30 reasons why Lewis Grizzard loves America

Published 8:00 pm Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Editor’s note: The following column by the late Southern sports columnist and humorist Lewis Grizzard was written after in July 1991.

Thirty reasons why I love my country during this, the anniversary month of American independence:

1. Soccer never caught on here. An English soccer promoter said to me in 1968, “One day soccer will be bigger in America than your football.”

Wrong. Tractor pulls made it; soccer didn’t.

2. I can still see reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show.” My favorite scene remains the time a reporter came to Mayberry to do a story on the city with the lowest crime rate in the state.

The reporter found Barney alone at the sheriff’s department and asked him, “How many are on the Mayberry force?”

Barney replied, “Well there’s Andy and me … ” then patted his holster and added, “and the baby makes three.”

3. Grilled hot dogs in steamed buns with mustard and chili on them.

4. Country music. We birthed it ourselves.

5. We don’t put up billboards advertising vacuum cleaners that say “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux,” which I swear I saw on a billboard in Scotland.

6. Speaking of Scotland, kilts haven’t caught on here, either. But some men are wearing earrings now, so I may not be able to say that much longer.

7. You can have all those famous Old World golf courses like St. Andrews, Muirfield and Bally Bunion, where they never cut the grass. I’ll take Augusta National where nature is groomed, not left to run amok and become places where errant drives go to die.

8. Johnny Carson … nobody, not Leno nor Letterman, will ever be able to replace him.

9. We finally won another war.

10. The White House at night.

11. Truck drivers. Without them Red Sovine would never have sung, “Giddyup Go” and “Teddy Bear.”

12. Mike Royko, a perfect example of why freedom of the press was a terrific idea.

13. Tab. It’s getting harder and harder to find it here. But it’s basically impossible to find in other countries.

14. Baseball. None of the players wear short pants like they do in soccer.

15. The civil rights movement in this country came off with minimal bloodshed when you compare it to cultural and racial conflicts elsewhere in the world.

16. We have the best toilet and bath facilities of any country on Earth.

17. Our president, although he is commander in chief of the armed forces, doesn’t think it necessary to wear a uniform.

18. The gulf coast of Florida. Find me more beautiful sand and water.

19. Oat bran. We care about our colons more than any other of the world’s people.

20. We don’t worship cows. At least I don’t know anybody who does.

21. We drink our beer cold.

22. The American never-say-die attitude. Examples are a lot of us still hold a grudge against Jane Fonda, while others still think the Atlanta Falcons will go to a Super Bowl one day.

23. Most American men refuse to wear those bikini-type swim suits like you see in the south of France.

24. If we ever have to go to war against Japan again, I’m sure we won’t sneak in on a Sunday morning to attack them like they did us, although that’s what they’ve got coming.

25. We don’t eat dogs.

26. We must lead the world in charities.

27. The rest of us don’t take California all that seriously.

28. If you won’t move away from Chicago, you’re free to do so.

29. Most of us are relatively safe from tidal waves.

30. Despite our growing diversity, our differences and our problems, most of us still feel like we’re all in this together.